I was interested to read this recent entry by Greg Gutfeld on his blog — “REPLACE-ALOGUE: LIKE WATER FOR VODKA” — because I’d grown weary otherwise of anticipating anyone else would ever understand me when I’ve asked, numerous times in my life, “why drink decaffeinated coffee? I mean, it’s coffee, you drink it BECAUSE it’s caffeinated! What’s the point, otherwise?”
Drinking “decaffeinated coffee” is a contradiction of terms. It’s like saying, “I’ll have vodka but pour water into the glass instead and tell me it’s vodka.”
I wrote about the water-to-vodka comparison on my own before I read Gutfeld’s piece — similarly titled (thus, I applied quotation marks to my title but I’d already written it — a bit of kiss-up to Gutfeld if nothing else), but found his blog after writing my draft here and then wondering if there was anyone else in this whole wide world who could see or ever has seen the obvious about this dratted invention that strips the merit out of coffee and then perpetuates the lie about the icky substance that remains: a decaffeinated, liquid nonsense. Numerous times I’ve stood in an aisle in COSTCO while buying “the real thing” with strange people scurrying to buy, otherwise, “decaffeinated coffee,” who stare at me with that empty and blank, glassy wide-eyed, silent look at my persistent questions — “what’s the point“? — as to their intents.
If you want water, order water. If you want vodka, order vodka. If you want coffee, order coffee. If you want “decaffeinated coffee,” order coffee icecream or just stir some brown sugar — or other flavoring substance with a caramel or chocolate color — in water, heat it up and then lie to yourself that you’re drinking something else.
One of life’s little ongoing self deceits: “decaffeinated coffee” ~is~ coffee, when it really isn’t. No more than a bucket on a set of roller skates is a Mercedes Benz…except when you pretend it so. A big imagination is a wonderful thing as long as you know what you’re doing.