“It’s Hurricane ‘Retirement’! And it’s windy!”
60 MINUTES TO INVESTIGATE 60 MINUTES II
(PARODY) [09/13 06:13 PM]
NEW YORK – In a stunning development, the flagship news program of CBS, 60 Minutes, has decided to investigate its Wednesday night counterpart, “60 Minutes II.”
60 Minutes producer Don Hewitt came out of retirement in order to investigate the spinoff program, which, he pointed out, was an idea he had always hated and opposed anyway.
“This story has all the classic ingredients parts of a archetypal 60 Minutes story,” Hewitt said. “Forgeries and lies. A brazen attempt to influence a presidential election. Shadowy political operatives. A powerful institution that is hiding behind short, defiant statements. The whole situation just screamed a need for a hard-hitting reporter to hold the powerful guys in suits accountable. It just happens that in this case, we?re interviewing the powerful guys in suits down the hall.”
The media world is abuzz with excitement about the shocking interview of CBS Evening News host Dan Rather by Mike Wallace. CBS has released one particularly tense exchange:
(Wallace and Rather sit opposite each other, eye to eye, almost mirror images.)
Wallace: Expert, after expert, after expert has declared these documents (dramatically holding up four sheets of paper) to be forgeries. What is your response to them?
Rather: We have solid sources.
Wallace: Who are they?
Rather: I’m not going to say.
Wallace: Why should people trust you?
Rather: Do you know who I am? I’ve been in the news business for 42 years!
Wallace: Do you know who I am? I’ve been in the news business for 53 years! And Christopher Plummer played me in the movie!
Rather: I am 100 percent certain that the chances of this document being real are almost 51 percent.
Wallace: You’re being evasive.
Rather: I’m not being evasive, I’m just being more nimble than a one-legged Texas bullfrog before a prairie thunderstorm!
Wallace: That doesn’t even make sense.
Rather: I’m tired of this criticism coming up with regular frequency, Kenneth.
Wallace: What frequency? And who’s Kenneth?
60 Minutes will present its report, “The Great CBS News Civil War of 2004” on Sunday.
WARNING: The above statement is a parody. So far.
HEY, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION THE UFOS [09/13 04:30 PM]
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